Thanks to Hurricane Harvey, the “Dealmaker President” Finally Makes a Deal: SISTV

Hurricane season continues with devastating effects. TV REPORTER: Breaking news from overnight, it’s now the most powerful hurricane ever recorded in the Atlantic, and now on a collision course with Florida. Hurricane Irma is leaving a path of destruction in the Caribbean. TV REPORTER: Smashing into St. Martin, St. Barts, Anguilla, Guadalupe, and Barbuda. And she is still churning at this hour.

HURRICANE NEWS

Can I just ask a question? How many once-in-a-lifetime events is it gonna take  in our lifetime for everyone to admit that maybe man-made climate change is real? Like, you do realize Hurricane Irma is the most powerful Atlantic storm ever recorded. And that is exactly the sort of thing that climate science predicts, right? In this part of the world, warmer oceans will lead to stronger hurricanes.

Like, I’m so confused at times. Like, what is it gonna get to get– what is it gonna take to get climate deniers to acknowledge this? You know? Like, like, maybe we need ISIS to help us out. Maybe this is where we go, like, “Hey, ISIS, I know we don’t agree on stuff. Can you help us out here?” Like, maybe ISIS should start taking credit for hurricanes. They should. Isis should just be like– every time a hurricane hits, ISIS should be like, “That was us. “We sent that storm.

We sent that storm to destroy America.” And then Republicans will be like, “That’s ridiculous. You guys can’t cause hurricanes.” And they’ll be like, “Well, then, uh, who causes the hurricanes?” They’ll be like, “They’re caused by cli– Oh, man, climate change– oh. “Nicely played. Damn it. “Nicely played. Nicely played. ISIS. ISIS caused it.” And it is scary to get such a massive hurricane so soon after Harvey, you know? Luckily, for Americans, though, the president is there with his soothing and poetic words.

There’s a new and seems to be record-breaking hurricane heading right toward Florida and Puerto Rico and other places. We’ll see what happens. We’ll know in a very short period of time. But it looks like it could be something that will be not good. Believe me, not good. Got it. “Not good.” Okay. I hope Donald Trump does the eulogy at my funeral. (mimics Trump): “Trevor, Trevor was a man.”  

But before America deals with this potential disaster, unfortunately, it has to finish dealing with its current disaster, all right? And, no, no. I’m not talking about that. No! Who would even– no. The new song is much better. I’m talking about Hurricane Harvey. As you know, victims in Texas are in need of relief funding. Unfortunately, that funding has to come from the federal government. And this morning, it wasn’t clear if there was even going to be a federal government.

Republicans have a packed agenda when they return to Congress on September 5th. Among their essential tasks, passing a new spending bill and raising the debt ceiling by month’s end. It’s called the “X” date, exactly when the government runs out of money. The latest target, early to mid October. To avoid picking and choosing which bills to pay, lawmakers must raise the country’s debt limit before then, so the Treasury can pay America’s bills in full and on time.

Now, that debt ceiling will be hit exactly as Congress needs to pass a spending measure to keep the government open. And the president is now threatening a government shutdown if his border wall is not funded. You know that Trump doesn’t even care about the wall, right? He just wants to get the government to shut down so he doesn’t have to work; that’s his game plan.

That’s his plan. I bet even if they gave him the wall to avoid the shutdown, he’d still be like, (mimics Trump): “Oh, well, now I want a spaceship “to send all the Mexicans to the moon. “O-Okay, that as well. (crying): “Why are you being so– I just want to play golf. I want to play golf!” (regular voice): So when we woke up this morning, there was a big chance that the federal government could be shutdown in a few weeks, because, as usual, everyone in Washington was too busy slap-fighting each other.

Right? And everyone was mad about it. Everyone’s slap-fighting, like, “I hate this.” Except for Ted Cruz. He was like, “Human touch. “Human touch. Human touch. I love this game.” So for Hurricane Harvey victims counting on federal aid, things were looking really bleak. But then at roughly 12:30 p.m. Eastern daylight time, a true miracle took place. The thing you would never expect to happen actually happened: Donald Trump made a deal. Fox News alert for you.

Aboard Air Force One, President Trump just announcing that he has reached a bipartisan deal on raising the debt ceiling and funding for victims of Hurricane Harvey. We had a great meeting with Chuck Schumer, Nancy Pelosi, and, uh, the whole Republican leadership group, and we walked out, and everybody was happy. It was a really good moment of some bipartisanship and getting things done, no one standing in their corner. We thought, for the good of the country, we should make the right offer, and we did. And we’re very glad the president accepted it. Okay, I don’t know about you guys, but this all feels like some crazy dream.

Donald Trump is working together with the Democrats? And my hand is a fish? Aah! Aah! Aah… Oh, no, no. No, false alarm. I just remembered I’m holding a plastic fish. I put it on my hand so I could tell this joke. There we go. There we go. But still… Thank you, ma’am. But still… but still… Trump and the Democrats working together. You have to admit, that is super weird. It’s like finding out your mom still has sex. Like, you’re happy, because she’s a person. You just don’t think of her that way. And it turns out I wasn’t the only person today who was like, “Whoa, Mom!” WOLF BLITZER: A source says President Trump left Republican leaders “shell-shocked” today by agreeing with congressional Democrats. He essentially went into the Oval Office, uh, and kicked them in the gut.

It seems that it has really caught Republicans off guard. As you just noted, Kate, just… -I mean, moments before the president did this, -Yeah. Paul Ryan called this proposal ridiculous. Damn. If Paul Ryan had balls, that is right where Trump would have kicked him. Right there. Right there. But even though they hate it, apparently, enough Republicans will go along with the new deal, agreeing to raise the debt ceiling and averting a government shutdown for a while. So it looks like Congress has accomplished its mission, its main mission.

But now, there’s all the side quests that the Republican leaders want to complete, you know? Like tax reform, uh, dealing with health care, finding a way to keep Dreamers in the country. Vacuuming under Mitch McConnell’s jowls. Uh, where, by the way, several Dreamers are currently hiding. Now… are they going to be able to do all this stuff? I-I don’t know. I don’t think anybody knows. But let’s put it this way: it took a hurricane just to get the government to stay open. And staying open is square one, by the way.

That’s where you should be all the time, and then you should work. But they got it done and, in a way, that’s the good news. The government has shown that it still can function. The bad news is that it takes a hurricane to get them going. The good news is that there’s more hurricanes coming. The bad news is that they’re hurricanes. Like, at this rate, Americans are gonna be hoping for natural disasters just so their government gets (bleep) done. Like-like, who knows? Who know? In the future, instead of getting the news from the news, Americans might just be watching the weather.

Thanks, Trevor. Are you ready for the Weather Smother? Here we go. We’re talking weather and politics, so get out your umbrella and your veto pen. We’ve got a tropical depression forming in the Gulf that could bring with it prescription drug funding for underprivileged youth with mental health issues. We’ll keep an eye on that, you crazy kids, huh? John Long, third grade, used to eat glue? Wildfires are blazing hard in Utah. That’s good news if you’re for legalizing weed. Don’t touch the stuff. Do more of, uh, chemicals– Molly, MDMA.

Let’s get back to Weather Smother. And this is the heat wave that’s continuing across the south. We might just have to decriminalize sodomy. That’s what I call hot. That’s the Weather Smother. We are Scrapinstyletv Come on, Trevor, hit me right now! Scrapinstyletv, everybody.

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